DICK CHENEY, THE SUSTENTION OF MENACE
Former Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney, otherwise known as “Dick”, was born on January 30, 1941.
In his sixty-nine years of life on Earth thus far, Mister Cheney has had five heart attacks. One each in the following years:
1978
1984
1988
2000
2010
The last one happened a week ago. Mister Cheney has since recovered and will be back on his Obama-bashing pulpit any day now.
We should not ignore the extraordinary fortitude of this man. It borders on the superhuman, and begs the question “How is this possible?”
After giving the matter a good deal of thought, I have come to an inescapable conclusion which will undoubtedly be the cause for debate among experts in various fields.
Dick Cheney is a vampire.
To be clear, I do not mean that Mister Cheney has the ability to change into a bat, although he does hang upside down from the ceilings and doorways of this nation like a grotesque specter of death.
Nor do I suspect that Mister Cheney has the capacity to retain a youthful appearance. One need only look at pictures of the man through the years to discredit that theory.
However, there are various definitions of the word “vampire” that most certainly apply to Mister Cheney.
One: A preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.
While it is doubtful that Mister Cheney is entering the bedrooms of Americans during the moonlit hours and relieving them of their fluids, there is one victim upon whom he preyed regularly. The mistress Mister Cheney tried to make his undead paramour, with every insertion of those grizzled teeth into her slender neck.
Two: In Eastern European folklore, a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.
I don’t have to get into the definition of a heart attack, or give you a review of the various health problems Mister Cheney has had over the years, to convince you of the obvious fact that Mister Cheney should be dead.
He has survived ordeals of the body that tragically defeated better people, individuals of true spiritual and moral fiber.
By some definitions, Mister Cheney is a dead man walking. It is easy to conceive that a malevolent spirit from the lowest regions and darkest corners of an infernal kingdom has inhabited the corpse of Mister Cheney, taking a tour of our great land in an attempt to cause chaos and strife like some mythological imp.
A person who preys ruthlessly upon others; extortionist.
This one is too easy, my dear friends.
Suffice it to say, the prevalent theory put forth by a number of my journalistic colleagues and peers, as well as comedians and at least one well-respected film director, is that Mister Cheney had one of his arms totally inserted into the orifice of our last President, and manipulated him with masterful skill.
With the combined power of the Oval Office and the oilfield services corporation, Halliburton, Mister Cheney waged war on other nations, and various servants of this nation, those in public and covert positions.
Ultimately, we have to accept the fact that Mister Cheney cannot die, deal with the disturbing implications of that knowledge, and act upon our responsibilities as Americans and human beings.
This formerly invisible man has now become as ubiquitous as the iconic characters that help sell fast food, merchandise, and cigarettes.
Mister Cheney will not abandon his zealotry, will not apologize for the crimes he has committed against our nation and our collective humanity, and he will continue to spout and spread his bile throughout the land until the cancer of his ideology infects all of the healthy cells of the American ideal.
We must find the cure to Mister Cheney, the object with which to beat him back into his hole, whether it is garlic, fire, or the collective wherewithal to diminish him with every resource at our disposal.
Once there is no more prey, no more invitations, and no more access to our life and lives, the vampire will die. Wither and die, as is the natural course of all things.
And shortly, after his passing, when the jackals and jesters have given Mister Cheney his undeserved parade and news specials and dedications, we will turn our attention to other long-lived persons who, while not malevolent, bear close observation.
Mister Clark, we will be watching.
Mister Richards, our eyes gaze upon you.
And you, sir…we know you to be a man of good intentions, but unfortunately your predecessor has brought out our fear of the undead lurking within the Oval Office, so behave yourself.
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Vampires? Pfft….
It’s crackpot name calling like this that allows the Neo-Cons to escape the real scrutiny of their actions that may eventually get them OUT of power. Instead of dealing with the real problem we sit around making up excuses for the behavior of a vocal minority of sociopathic elitists who truly believe they have a right to take as much as they can.
Besides, everyone knows that Cheney is a clockwork robotic extradimensional automaton built by Rasputin to make the world safe for the squid creatures of the arcane universe, and that Cheney continues to exist by ingesting babies, puppies and oil.
Ms. Wakefield… give the Buffy DVD box sets a break and go read some Lovecraft. Sheesh.
I dare say the Neo-Cons you refer to, Hugo, are too impenetrable for the scrutiny of their actions to make a difference.
Your theory on Mister Cheney is somewhat compelling, if only on the subject of his consumption of babies and puppies.
What or who is this “Buffy” you speak of?