The Nine Lives of Mario Lopez

The Chaser’s first hot-on for Mario was in 1998, when he appeared on a cable tv show about California cops on bikes.

Sure, the show was stupid, but The Chaser was fourteen at the time, and had a liking for the hot and spicy back then.

Now a lot of you, specifically you Saved By The Bell groupies, are pissed off about that.

You’re sitting around in your living rooms watching reruns of a show with horrific fashions and WTF?!? haircuts, saying that’s the show that made Mario.

Well this is not about you, so go back and join your little worship hives.

Mario Lopez is at once a stereotype of his people and an example for them to admire.

Know why? Because he will not stop.

There is no show too low-brow, silly, lacking in brain power to enjoy, or cheesy for Mario to take on and do with a smile on his face.

The best example is Pet Star, a show Mario hosted in which people bring on their pets to do tricks and be judged by a trio of has-beens, never-weres, and fossils from Seventies’ sitcoms.

Any other guy would’ve looked like a loser, but not Mario. Dude had that patented smile on his face, wore clothes that were casual enough for the pet owner masses but just close enough so we all knew things were muy caliente underneath the fabric.

Mario’s like the ex that never stuck around which is why you dumped him three times but just when you need a good time his number shows up on your caller ID.

The last four years have been nothing short of The Renaissance of Mario.

He became a host on Extra, which injected some much-needed energy into an otherwise yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn show which is prob responsible for a show like The Insider getting on the air…and you know how much The Chaser hates The Insider.

Anyway, that’s not Mario’s fault, so whatever.

After that, Mario was the best-looking runner-up in history when he hit the floor in Dancing With The Stars, which should have been called Foreplay With Katrina Smirnoff.

Hey, if The Chaser rolled like that, Katrina would probably get tapped.

Then came A Chorus Line, in which Mario wore tight-fitting clothes but was barely able to maintain the hetero-hottie look.

Mario’s become the go-to guy for MTV, hosting America’s Best Dance Crew, Top Pop Group, and AND the guy dropped his own workout book.

Basically, this is about giving tribute to one of America’s best sons. Granted, now that he’s thirty-six, the threshold for being on my poster boy list has been crossed and it’s only downhill from there…

But when The Chaser thinks about all those people out there, writing her like a hater because she has a great job while they’re working at H&M, what she wants to say is “Shut up, bitch, and learn from Mario Lopez!”

There’s the lesson. This is America, stupid.

You don’t need to know how to type, be an intellectual, or get a college degree that’ll be worth newspaper for cleaning up dog poop to most employers.

You need to have The Hustle.

Use what you have to get what you need and desire.

Learn from Mario Lopez.

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