We Interrupt This Blog to Pay Tribute to Corey Haim

The Chaser was all set to write about much older people thinking they can do her job, but fate stepped in and saved The Geriatric League from snarky commentary.

But Fate’s a cruel bitch, because it claimed another victim.

Corey Haim was, quite simply, an older man with balls.

Now you have to remember that The Chaser is a fierce young hottie, so most of Corey’s body of work, especially the teen stuff, is dinosaur era.

My first exposure to Corey came when I saw an ad in Variety magazine two years ago, in which Corey put himself out there bare, for all the vultures of the film industry to see, asking for another chance.

I thought to myself “This guy is joking. He’s a not-hot-looking guy with a smile, and not a damn thing else going for him…

…but he’s got more courage than most people.

This is a guy who’s got nothing to lose because he’s already lost a hell of a lot.”

With that, The Chaser went on a research spree, fascinated by the poor, hopeful fool who thought forgiveness in Hollywood was for anyone who’s last name isn’t Cruise.

You know it’s true, Tom.

Turned out that Corey was one of the teen idols of the Eighties, with all the hair, white linen suits, and overdone makeup jobs that era had to offer.

Also, he starred with lots of people who are either famous or infamous.

Jack Bauer and Corey were in a movie together.

See Corey alllllllllllll the way in the back? Yeah, there he is.

Corey also starred in a film with Heather Graham, who will always be Rollergirl from Boogie Nights to me.

Rollergirl was my hero.

But who’s this other Corey? This Feldman?

He’s more not-hot than Corey Haim, or maybe it’s not not-hot. What it is, is that he reeked Wannabe, you know, like just another White guy trying to be Black.

Then years go by, and fortune and fame turned to “Dude, you’re not pretty anymore, Nirvana killed the long hair, femme look, and don’t call us, we’ll call your agent.”

And you know what happens years later, right?

Yeah, baby, you know it.

REALITY TV.

Now wannabe-Black Corey’s on top with wifey, and Corey Haim is at the bottom with hat in hand.

Career go bye-bye in the slow burn of the fast lane.

But through all that, and the drugs, and the love handles, and the embarrassment, Corey Haim came back from his own hell and put himself out there to work, to make amends, to show everyone who took a dump on him that he was stronger than they thought he could ever be.

So ya’ know, The Chaser’s not going to pretend she was a fan of Corey’s, or even knew who he was before two years ago.

But he had guts, and he kept fighting, and he had more self-determination that most of the weasels and worms that populate the movie industry with their bloated egos and fat-cat bank accounts.

This one’s for you, Corey.

Your license to drive will never expire.

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